Consequences 101
Do You Struggle With What Consequences to Give Your Kids?
First of all, let's start with some premises:
1. Discipline means to teach
2. Consequences can be one tool in the process of teaching
3. The aim is never to humiliate or shame or make a person feel worse about themselves
4. It falls to us as parents to Set Our Kids Up for Success. That means setting clear expectations and pre-teaching skills
5. In many cases, it is best to let natural consequences do the teaching
6. When it comes to safety (and keeping others safe), however, logical consequences might be needed (though what I suggest as a consequence might surprise you).
Now let's walk through an example.
A Possible Response:
Situation: Dad is cooking dinner, and his five-year-old comes up and starts hitting him.
1. Dad reminds the child of the rule: "In our family, we use our words when we're upset. If you need Dad's attention, just ask for it!"
2. Son makes a face and growls, "I want you to play with me!"
3. Dad, choosing to ignore the tone to reward the shift from hitting to using words, responds (Here are a couple of possibilities):
Playful: Son, right now I have to cook dinner, but I have time to squeeze you so tight your innards squeeze out! In fact, I think some boy innards are just what this recipe needs!
Inclusive: Son, right now I have to cook dinner, but I would love it if you would keep me company in the kitchen. You can even peel the carrots if you want.
Delayed gratification: Son, right now I have to cook dinner, but if you can play on your own for a while, I'll have time while the casserole is in the oven to play Uno, which I know is your most favorite game in the whole wide world!
4. With luck, Son responds positively. But let's say it is the bewitching hour and Son's emotional reserves are low, so he goes back to hitting.
5. Dad turns off the stove, gently pulls Son into his arms in such a way that assures that Son cannot hit (or kick or scratch) him, and says, "Son, I can see you are really frustrated and have really had it, but I can't let you hurt me. Right now you can go to your calm down corner or you can sit here with me until your body is still."
6. Once child is calm, Dad can give a consequence. Here are some possibilities:
Son, we need to work on you using your words and making good choices. After dinner tonight we're going to role-play using your words. We'll take turns being the dad and being the son.
Son, it is natural for you to have Big Feelings and it can be hard to calm yourself down, so we're going to work on that. We're going to start by making a list of ideas of ways to calm your body down.
Son, it seems like you need some more time with me and that it is really hard when I am cooking. And at the same time, we all have to eat dinner, so I have to cook. What can we do to solve the problem of my not playing with you before dinner?
I know a lot of you will ask how are these consequences? Well, remember, the goal of a consequence is not to humiliate, shame, or punish. It is to shift behavior. Sometimes kids need more practice (it takes a long time to learn to regulate one's emotions and to communicate peacefully) and sometimes they need us to meet one of their basic needs. Very, very often that need is for more connection. Note that these are all worded with "we." That keeps parents and kids on the same team.
Does this same approach work with older kids?
The answer is yes.
The basic premises for effective consequences are the same.
1. Discipline means to teach
2. Consequences can be one tool in the process of teaching
3. The aim is never to humiliate or shame or make a person feel worse about themselves
4. It falls to us as parents to Set Our Kids Up for Success. That means setting clear expectations and pre-teaching skills. With teens, it means remembering not to assume they have the skills you think they do*.
5. In many cases, it is best to let natural consequences do the teaching
6. When it comes to safety (and keeping others safe), however, logical consequences might be needed (though what I suggest as a consequence might surprise you).
Pre-teaching and reviewing skills
Especially in the light of Covid, we want to assume that kids' knowledge needs a refresher. You need to renew an experience that a child had two+ years ago. For example, has your teen been to a movie since March of 2020? If not, don't assume she knows how to behave in a movie theater. Hours of Netflix while playing games on her phone and texting her friends has not prepared her to sit quietly without talking and have her phone off when the lights go down and a movie begins in the theater. Discuss protocol before you go to the theater to avoid embarrassment and conflict.
More so with the stresses of Covid, but also just as part of the social insecurity of adolescence, expect teens to have moments when "acting their age" actually means acting more like a six-year-old. Part of adolescent development is that the amygdala (often called the emotion center of the brain) is relatively more active during this stage and, at the same time, the pre-frontal cortex (often called the reasoning center of the brain) is under construction. Your teen DOES feel emotions more acutely. That is why her response looks out of proportion TO YOU. What might be a cause for annoyance is cause for rage for her. Don't condemn her for her intense emotions; instead, be the rock of calm that models for her how to take a deep breath and pause long enough for her feelings to stop flooding her.
Now let's look at some possible consequences.
A Creative Response
When I was nine and my sister was eleven, we slept over at a friend's and in the course of the night found her father's stack of Playboy's. My friend's mother found out, called my mom, and sent us home. My mother, waiting in the driveway, told us to put our bikes away and get in the car. She drove us to the Palace of Legion of Honor, one of San Francisco's fine art museums, and had us walk through every gallery with the comment, "It is natural you would want to see naked bodies. I want you to see that how nudes have been depicted has changed throughout the centuries." Nothing felt salacious about walking through the museum looking at nudes from different eras. In fact, it was pretty boring. In this way, my mother satisfied our age-appropriate curiosity about the women we were going to grow to be without punishing us or making us feel guilty for our interests.
I commend my mother's creative consequence.
Let's look at another scenario:
Situation: On a sleepover, the Daughter and her friend decide to TP another friend's house. Thanks to home surveillance video, the girls are found out. (For those of you living outside the U.S.A., TP-ing is a prank where one unrolls rolls of toilet paper over people's houses and yards.)
Parents: Hon, we just got a call from Mrs. Smith about her seeing you TP-ing her house on their home surveillance video.
Daughter: Uh oh. We didn't mean any harm. It was just a prank on Sally.
Parents: Unfortunately, your prank doesn't just affect Sally.
Daughter: It's just toilet paper. It will wash away.
Parents: Well, you would think that would be true but, actually, when toilet paper gets wet--as it did at Sally's house when the sprinklers went off--it sticks and dries really hard.
Daughter: Seriously?! Kids TP stuff all the time. This really isn't that big of a deal.
Parents: Yes, that's true: TP-ing is a pretty common prank for kids to pull, and, at the same time, it is not fair to Sally's parents to have to come home to see their beautiful yard looking like the remains of a craft project. What can you do to make this right?
Daughter: I guess we better go over there and start cleaning it up. Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. We really didn't mean to cause so much trouble.
Parents: That sounds like a good start. What about the stuff you threw up in the trees?
Daughter: Um, I think that will need a tall ladder. I don't know if Sally's family has one. Can I take ours?
Parents: You may, though it would be best to have an adult there to hold it steady. The last thing we want is for one of you girls to break your necks.
Daughter: OMG, I think we're old enough to be trusted with a ladder! We won't do anything stupid.
Parents: Yes, you are probably old enough and, at the same time, when you are at someone else's property, you have to be extra careful, so we'll come with you.
Notice some of the skills these parents use to hold their child accountable while at the same time keeping their relationship to her close.
•They neither yell nor are they sarcastic or even scolding.
•They don't try to trap their daughter into lying about being involved when they have evidence she is.
•They don't take the bait, even when their daughter's responses are somewhat rude. Rather, they agree (!) with her that you would think TP washes off and that she probably could be trusted with a ladder. This establishes trust and goodwill and keeps the conversation focused on the issue at hand.
•Rather than telling their daughter what to do to make amends, they ask her. That supports her critical thinking skills.
•Even though it takes their time and energy, they support their daughter by helping with the ladder. If they wanted to, they could ask her to do something to help them out to make up for the time cleaning up.
Is that “harsh” enough?
Once again, some of you will feel this response is not "harsh" enough, that it doesn't "teach a lesson." I would disagree. I feel confident the lessons learned here include
• My parents won't let me get away with stuff.
• When I mess up, my parents still love me.
• When I mess up, my parents will support me in making amends.
Remember, the goal of a consequence is not to humiliate, shame, or punish. It is to shift behavior.
I doubt very highly this girl will go TP-ing again, Furthermore, she will evaluate future pranks more carefully.
What are natural consequences?
I mentioned that in many cases it is best to let natural consequences do the teaching, I did not explain natural consequences or when it might be especially effective to use them. Quite simply, natural consequences are what happens if no one takes action.
Some are felt right away.
Step outside without a jacket on a windy day-->feel cold pretty quickly.
Some take a long time for the consequences to be felt.
Don't brush your teen regularly-->get a cavity.
Sometimes you get chains of natural consequences:
Don't lock up your bike
-->it gets stolen
-->you don't have a way to get to school
-->you have to take the bus which cost money
-->you can't go to the movies with your buddies because you have no money
What are the advantages of allowing kids to experience natural consequences?
1. A child is more likely to register hunger, cold, or pain than your nagging
2. It gives children opportunities to be more in touch with their own bodies
3. It allows children to learn from their mistakes
4. It takes you out of the equation, so you aren't in conflict with your child
5. It allows you to express sympathy and clearly be on your child's team
When should you let natural consequences do the work and when should you step in?
The short answer is to allow for natural consequences as often as possible.
Where natural consequences clearly don't work is
1) when safety is involved 2) when the child's actions affect others unduly and 3) when the negative impact from the action is so far down the line that it will be too late to correct the damage (like not brushing your teeth).
Outside of those two categories, there is a lot of personal wiggle room.
Which of these natural consequences are you willing to let your child suffer?
*Forget your lunch-->go hungry.
*Forget your jacket-->go cold.
*Forget your umbrella-->get wet.
*Don’t wear your shoes-->stub your toe.
*No lunch money-->no pizza.
*Leave your book outside-->the dew (or sprinklers!) warp it.
*Leave your scooter in the driveway-->it gets run over.
*Leave the water running in a plugged sink-->it overflows.
*Stuff toys down the toilet-->it gets clogged.
*Stay up too late-->wake up groggy.
*Don't study for the test-->do poorly.
*Don't do homework-->fail to solidify critical skills.
Not all of these are crystal clear. As a California kid, for example, I spent a lot of time running around barefoot outside and, for the most part, was none the worse for wear. One 4th of July, however, I was running on the dock and got a splinter in my foot that took the entire summer to fully work out of my foot. That splinter was around 5 cm long.
That was a natural consequence that affected the whole family because for most of the summer I couldn't go to the beach or swim in the bay or go sailing. Instead of my mother getting some time off every day, I was now moping around at home while my sister went off and had fun. Upon reflection, my parents might wish that they had been stricter about insisting that I wear shoes--even to the point of imposing logical consequences if I persisted in not bothering with foot ware. In fact, now when kids go shoeless on that same dock where I got that splinter, they are charged twenty-five cents per infraction.
If you choose to go the route of logical consequences, be sure to educate first.
One place where I lean towards logical consequences is anything that causes water damage. Kids don't realize how pernicious water is about getting into nooks or crannies or pooling under flooring. They don't know about mold and wood rot.
They don't understand the cost of money and disruption that it takes to repair water damage.
Nonetheless, while I take water damage very seriously, I'm not going to impose a consequence on my child for playing with (or being careless with) water until I have done lots of explaining, educating, and training. It is not fair to expect them to know that water spilled on the floor and left there is much more of a problem than, say, flour spilled on the floor.
Should I let my children experience the natural consequence of a poor grade?
The answer to this question is so nuanced, I almost fear addressing it.
In general, the answer is no. A child goes to school to learn, and a poor grade means that either a child is failing to master content or the child is failing to master the executive functioning skills that are often more critical than the discreet subject area material. Therefore, it falls to the parent to support the child in structuring life in such a way that it supports learning. That may mean, for example, that the parent holds on to a child's electronics until homework is done or that the child who used to do homework in their room will now be required to do it at the kitchen table.
On the other hand, there are some times when I strongly recommend that parents let their child experience the natural consequence of poor grades. Top on my list for that is middle school. In the U.S. school system, middle school is a great time to fail: The grades don't count and all the content that is taught in middle school is going to be taught again in high school. Add to that kids are keenly aware of standing out at this age which means that a "natural" consequence of not doing your work might be teasing from classmates, disapproval from a teacher, or exclusion from a sports team.
Instead, parents can provide support in figuring out strategies and faith that the child will figure things out.
Side note: I have taught scores of middle schoolers who were underperforming, who went on to high school and did just fine. When I have asked those students why the turnaround, kids were clear that the fact that high school grades affected their college choices provided motivation for working hard and staying focused.
Why do we still struggle as parents?
Part of the reason that parents struggle with consequences is that what makes a good consequence is a question of many different factors, including the child's personality and developmental level as well as who else in the family is affected.
If you are still struggling in deciding how to handle discipline issues (or even what constitutes a discipline issue), parenting coaching can provide the perspectives and insights that allow you to respond with more clarity and confidence. I am always here to help you.